Embrace Your Fate
by AngelofElements
Summary: Hisoka has gotten himself in trouble. No matter what he tries, he cannot relieve himself of the curse that has been put upon his head. Now he's desparate to get some help. He will do anything to get rid of this curse . . . Rated for cussing.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Wow I've been gone a long time! It's good to be back! I originally wrote this for a friend who was having issues with a Zelda game, but she said I should post it so here it is. My first HunterxHunter fic! Yay!

Disclaimer: I do not own HunterxHunter or any other characters/related items, though I'm working on buying myself a place in the Zoldyck family. I also do not won any Zelda game (which is mentioned in this fic).

**EMBRACE YOUR FATE**

**Part 1: Hisoka Asks for Help**

A large and rather clichéd grandfather clock struck three in the morning. A loud knock interrupted the silence of the night. Pins at the ready, Illumi Zoldyck opened his door to find his friend-who-wasn't-really-his-friend-because-that-would-make-him-a-hypocrite-and-if-there-was-one-thing-that-he-was-not-was-a-hypocrite-but-for-ease-and-convience-he-called-a-friend-even-though-he-was-more-a-close-aquaintance, Hisoka. Though Illumi couldn't quite put his finger on it, there was something _different_ about him. He had a crazed look in his eye, was foaming a bit at the mouth, and was twitching slightly. All were normal signs of being Hisoka. Perhaps he'd dyed his hair a new color and Illumi, not being a morning person, was too tired to notice. Or perhaps he'd got a nose job or something . . . Or maybe it was the little blue fairy that was floating by his shoulder. Yes, that was probably it.

Hisoka grabbed the assassin by the collar and pulled him close. "Kill it," he snarled hoarsely.

"Pardon?"

Hisoka began to shake him. "You're an assassin right? WELL KILL THIS STUPID LITTLE FAIRY THING THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND!"

Illumi stared at the "stupid little fairy thing". Though he couldn't see any facial features at all, he surmised that it was staring back at him. Then he thought it stuck its tongue out at him, though he wasn't sure. He gave it a death glare.

"Apart from being rude, it doesn't seem to be doing any harm. I don't see the problem."

"I'll tell you the problem, this stupid thing keeps following me around and-"

"Hey listen!" piped the fairy. "You need to go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

Hisoka's eye twitched. "It keeps saying that. Over, and over."

"I still don't see why it would be a pro-"

Hisoka began to shake Illumi violently. "GOD DAMN IT, IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!"

Illumi resigned from pointing out that if Hisoka were any more insane he would be a fangirl; he had a strong feeling that if he did so he would die, and would have completely wasted his last words. Instead he reached out a finger and poked the fairy.

"Why don't you kill it?"

"I tried. But IT WON'T DIE! Look!" Hisoka whipped out a card and started madly slashing at the fairy. Nothing happened.

"See?"

"Fine. But I'm charging my usual fee."

"Whatever. _Anything_ to get rid of it."

Illumi took out one of his pins, and threw it at the fairy. The pin whisked right through it. Frowning, he took out a smaller pin and threw it with the aim of an expert right where he surmised the fairy's jugular vein would be. The fairy proved resilient.

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP YOU GOD DAMN FAIRY!"

Suddenly, a memory wiggled up out of Illumi's brain. It settled down into his consciousness, and began to play.

_Illumi slowly walked down the halls of the Zoldyck_ _mansion. He paused for a moment as he heard his brother Killua's voice from a crack in a door._

_"SHUT UP YOU GOD DAMN FAIRY! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HARPIE! YES! DIE! DIE! DIE! I SLICE YOU UP AND EAT THE PIECES! MWAHAHAHAAAAAA!"_

Illumi blinked. "Hisoka?"

Hisoka looked over from trying to strangle the fairy even though it had no neck. "What?"

"I don't know how to kill this thing, but I think Killua might. Go ask him."

Hope welled up inside Hisoka and he gave Illumi a warm and fuzzy grin. Illumi was scared.

"Thank you, Illumi." He turned to leave. "Oh, by the way, you're coming with me." He grabbed Illumi's wrist.

"Wait what? Why?"

"Because if this thing tells me to go fight Jabu-Jabu one more time I'm going to jump off a cliff."

"And this is a problem because?"

Hisoka turned to look at him, shock on his face. "_Illumi!_ I though you knew me better than that! I'm not going to commit suicide like every other average Joe! This is _me_ you're talking about! There has to _at least_ be a silver dueling pistol involved." Illumi decided that this statement was worthy of _actual emotion_ with _actual Mexicans_, so he rolled his eyes in a Mexican manner.

**A few alleyways later . . .**

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

"THAT'S IT!"

"HISOKA! REMEMBER THE DUELING PISTOL!"

"Oh. Right. You know any good gun shops?"

"You'll have to wait a while if you want a silver one."

"That's crap."

"I do know a place with some great gold ones."

"NO! It must be silver! Silver is so much more dra-"

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

"GAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Stay tuned for Embrace Your Fate Part 2: Killua Kills Free Willy


	2. Chapter 2

Diclaimer: I do not own any HunterxHunter stuff, Zelda stuff, or Quest for Camelot stuff. Nor do I own Free Willy.

**Embrace Your Fate**

**Part 2: Killua Kills Free Willy**

Killua frantically dashed through the streets of the city. He dodged tourists and residents alike, determined to get to his destination. He heard Gon yelling at him to slow down, but he couldn't stop. He had to keep moving or . . . he didn't want to think of what would happen then.

With a cry of joy, he reached his destination. He bolted through the door, leaving Gon outside looking confused. A few minutes later, he came out of the men's bathroom, looking relieved. Gon walked forward to greet his friend, but just as he reached him a pair of white hands grabbed Killua and dragged him off. With a yelp Gon ran after his now cussing friend.

The hands had belonged to Illumi, who had dragged Killua (and in an indirect way Gon) into a convenient alleyway. Killua pulled free and spun around to yell at his brother.

"Look Illumi, I don't know why the hell you've decided to randomly show up and kidnap me, but I'm going to tell you right now, I'm not going back home and that's final! And if you try to convince me otherwise, I swear I'll-"

"I'm not here to take you home. I need your help."

Killua stopped ranting and narrowed his eyes. "With what?"

"That." Illumi pointed to a dark blob a few feet away. After a few seconds, Killua realized that the blob was Hisoka.

He blinked. "Not my fault you chose a crazy man to be your partner. Besides, do I _look_ like I work at an asylum?"

If this had been anyone other than Illumi, a classic sweat drop would have ensued. "That's not what I need help with."

"Then wha-"

"KILLUA!" The brothers turned to see Gon running towards them at high speeds. He skidded to a halt, ready to fight.

Killua was about to assure his friend that he was not in any way shape or form being kidnapped, when he heard something that he had hoped to never hear again.

"Hey listen! You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!" He spun around to stare the terror in its face. There it was, the blue glow, the little wings, the vague suggestion of a face. The monster that still haunted his dreams: Navi.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he shrieked. He leapt a foot in the air then hid behind Gon. He peered over his friend's shoulder to glare at the fairy.

Gon blinked in confusion. "What? What's wrong?"

Killua pointed a shaking finger at the fairy, now called Navi. "That . . . that _thing_. It is PURE EVIL."

"Now you know how I feel." Hisoka stood and walked towards Killua. "This thing won't leave me alone. It's been following me for almost two weeks." He was now right in front of them. He leaned down and looked Killua in the eye. "Illumi says you know how to get rid of this thing. I want you to do so, NOW."

Killua cringed away, as the fairy was following Hisoka at close quarters. "I don't know how."

Hisoka's eye twitched. "What do you mean you don't know how?" he asked in a dangerous voice.

"I tried when I was stuck with Navi, and I couldn't do it." Killua and Gon quickly backed away from him. He looked like he was about to explode, and they didn't want to be hit with pieces of flying Hisoka. Somehow, the believed that the experience would be extremely unpleasant, wet, and for some reason gelatinous.

Hisoka opened his mouth to utter some words (some of which were NOT meant for the ears of the two twelve-year-olds in front of him) but he was interrupted by a high-pitched voice.

"Hey listen! You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!" Hisoka rounded on the fairy with an animalistic snarl. Illumi backed away from his general line of vision. Hisoka was becoming more and more like a fangirl by the second. After the animalistic snarls always came the sudden change in mood . . .

Suddenly, Hisoka became very calm. _Oh gods no!_ screamed Illumi's brain. Instinct was kicking at his shins, trying to make him leave. But he was getting paid well for this, and he didn't think his mother would be very happy if he ran off and left Killua to face a rabid psychotic clown-going-fangirl-under-the-influence-of-a-Navi.

While Illumi was thinking all this, Hisoka was speaking. "Well, if I can't kill it, perhaps I can satisfy its needs. Do you know what this Jabu-Jabu thing is, Killua?"

"Yeah. It's an evil whale."

This explanation earned him a plethora of funny looks. "What?"

"An . . . evil _whale_?" inquired Illumi.

"Yeah." The company was silent. "_What?_"

"Well, it sounds kind of silly."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who made all this up."

Illumi gave him a look that clearly said "_Sure_ you didn't." He gave Illumi a glare.

Hisoka cleared his throat. "Fine. Whatever. I'm going to find this Jabu-Jabu and kill it, whether it's a whale or a giant cookie." Hisoka got even more looks than Killua did. He returned those looks with glare. Then he walked out of the alley, grabbing Killua's wrist on his way out.

"Hey! The hell do you think you're doing?"

"You're going to come with me and teach me how to kill a whale. I don't want to do it wrong and be cursed with this _thing_ the rest of my life."

"You mean Navi?"

"DON'T GIVE IT A NAME! THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE!" Killua flinched, not because he was particularly scared, but because his ear was near Hisoka's mouth and Hisoka could yell _really loud_. He turned his head and gave Illumi a look that clearly said, "Why the hell did you choose such a crazy partner? Why couldn't you choose some one _normal_?"

Illumi blinked at him. He then proceeded to follow the two down the street. Gon followed Illumi. He had no idea what was going on, but he sensed that Killua would need a friend soon.

**At the convenient beach . . .**

"Ok, Hisoka. Here's how you kill Jabu-Jabu. You find him, then you jump into his mouth and run around inside of him, then you kill him. Like this." Killua scanned the very convenient ocean to find his target. There weren't really many whales about, but there _did _seem to be a movie going into production and there was a very nice mechanical whale . . .

"WOOOOOOO!" Killua leapt from the shore and ran into the gaping mouth of the metal whale. He threw himself into the middle, and stabbed the vital machinery that kept it going. Then he ran out, ignoring the screams of the set director and the cries of "He killed Free Willy!"

He skidded to a halt in front of Hisoka. "_That's_ how you kill Jabu-Jabu."

Hisoka looked at the whale, which was starting to smoke. "So, all I have to do is kill a whale, and this thing is gone?"

"In theory, yes."

"Fine, I'll just go a-" screams and a big BOOM interrupted Hisoka. The mechanical whale had decided that it wanted to be clichéd and defy all known laws of physics, and explode, even though Killua hadn't done anything but make it stop working. Fake whale parts rained down from the sky.

Hisoka chose to ignore this and began to walk off. "See you. I'm going to go kill whale. Illumi?"

"Wh-"

"The silver dueling pistol hasn't arrived yet."

"You're paying me double."

"Why?"

"Because all the whales that Killua hasn't blown up are in the Artic. I don't _like_ the cold."

Hisoka considered saying no. Illumi was _expensive_. But then again . . .

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

"Fine. Double. Going. _Now_." Illumi and Hisoka walked off to find a ship that would take them to the Artic. Illumi began thinking of people he could blackmail for ride, just in case.

Killua and Gon stared after them. "Killua?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it just me or is Hisoka starting to act like-"

"Yes."

Silence.

"You think that he'll sell Kurapika's pants on E-bay like those other girls?"

"No. Though he might try for Illumi's."

More silence.

"Killua?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"Yeah. Let's get some ice cream."

Stay tuned for Embrace Your Fate Part 3: Hisoka's Quest for Camelot


	3. Chapter 3

**Embrace Your Fate**

**Part 3: Hisoka's Quest for Camelot**

Illumi surreptitiously leaned closer to the fire. He didn't _like_ the Artic, it was too cold. Being a top assassin, Illumi could stand extremes in temperature, but that didn't mean he enjoyed them. But Hisoka was paying obscene amounts of money to be here. In fact, Illumi was going to have so much money after this job; he would be able to buy a small country. Not that he wanted to, but he still could. That was the entire point.

Meanwhile, Hisoka was leaning towards a short old lady carrying a stick with lots of swirly things carved on to it. Illumi normally didn't believe in soothsayers or medicine women or anything like that, but Hisoka did and she had a nice fire so he hadn't said anything. He looked over at his companion. Hisoka was listening to the lady's words with rapt attention. She was telling some crackpot story about a whale. Hisoka was eating it up.

"So, where can I find this whale?"

The lady smacked her stick on the ground. "It's not a whale!" she howled. "It's the reincarnation of an evil sorcerer who tried to enslave the earth! He's now trying to gather up the world into his belly and rule it from there."

_This old lady is bat-shit insane,_ thought Illumi.

"Right, right. But I can kill it?" Hisoka in his desperation had chosen to ignore the physical impossibilities of the medicine woman's story.

"Aye. Ye can kill it. But ye may die trying."

Hisoka smirked. "My dear lady, I think that I'm more than capable of killing this wh- I mean evil sorcerer."

The woman shrugged. "It's your life ye be gamblin', not mine."

Hisoka stood and motioned for Illumi to follow. "Thank you, dear lady, for all your help."

"Wait!" she cried as they began to walk out of the tent.

Illumi looked back. "Yes?"

"If ye wants to hunt the sorcerer, then ye should know his name."

Illumi considered pointing out that killing something didn't necessarily require a name, but Hisoka spoke before he could say anything.  
"And what would this name be?"

"Camelot." There was a dramatic clap of thunder in the background. Illumi looked outside. It was sunny out, with a few small children running gaily through the snow.

"Thank you," said Hisoka. "For everything. Then they left.

"The whale must be really evil, to have such a dramatic announcement of his name." Illumi tactfully decided not to burst Hisoka's shiny bubble and point out the boom box outside the tent with the CD in it that said "1001 Different Sound Effects for the Dramatic Announcing of Names".

"So, what to we do now?"

Hisoka grinned at the question. "We quest for Camelot!"

Illumi paused. "Isn't that a movie?"

"Yes, yes, whatever. COME ILLUMI!" With that he grabbed Illumi's wrist and dragged him off to the beach where the alleged "Camelot" was said to be.

**LATER . . .**

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!" echoed across the land.

Hisoka and Illumi walked across the frigid tundra. Illumi made the decision that he was going to go somewhere warm later. Preferably somewhere without snow, whales, and insane Hisokas. His thoughts of the peaceful bliss were rudely interrupted by Hisoka's voice.

"Illumi?"

"What?'

"Just out of curiosity, have you ever considered how much people would pay for something of yours?"

"You mean like a piece of hair for DNA testing?"

"No . . . I mean like . . . maybe your pants."

Illumi stopped at stared at Hisoka. "What?"

"Oh, come on. You know as well as I do that there are girls out there who find you downright sexy. They'd pay _millions_ in order to get a hold of your pants. I remember this one time I found a pair of Kurapika's pants on E-bay . . ."

"No."

"But you could make so much!"

"Hisoka, I _like_ my pants."

Hisoka sighed, dejectedly. "Fine. But I still think you could have made a fortune."

Illumi shook his head and began walking again, already blocking the conversation out of his memory.

Stay tuned for Part 4: Into the Belly of the Beast


	4. Extra Story 1

**Extra Story #1**

**What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?**

Kikyou Zoldyck was lounging in a chair with several of her friends. She daintily sipped her glass of pink lemonade as she watched her son Illumi watch a movie with the other five-year-olds. The conversation buzzed around her as she enjoyed a few moments of peace. Since this was the conversation of overly-protective-and-loving-mothers, it inevitably turned towards their children.

"Well," said one of her friends, "_I _heard that it's important to stay involved in your child's life. You need to keep track of his friends, his interests, and especially his goals. I didn't do that with my first child, and look what happened."

Kikyou nodded sympathetically. If her only son were to leave her and go off to be an accountant she didn't know what she would do.

"I agree," said another. "It's important to know where your child wants to do with their life, in case you need to make any corrections." The rest of the mothers nodded sagely.

"Why don't we ask them now?" suggested the first mother. "It will be fun to see where our boys want to go." This was met by general noises of agreement. The mothers called to their offspring to come and line up in front of them. The first boy came up and stood before them.

"Now dear," said his mother. "Tell us what you want to be when you grow up."

"I wanna be a bomb designer." This answer was met with general approval. His mother glowed.

The next one came. His answer was: "I wanna be a dictator." The mothers applauded and gave compliments to his mother on raising such an ambitious boy.

So it went with answers of arsonist, executioner, blacklist hunter, and so on. Then came Illumi's turn.

Kikyou smiled. "There's no need to ask him what he wants. He wants to be an assassin just like his mommy. Isn't that right, dear?"

Illumi shook his head. "No Mommy. When I grow up, I wanna be Bambi!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Embrace Your Fate**

**Part 4: Into the Belly of the Beast**

Hisoka quickly ducked down behind a large drift of snow. He cautiously peered out once more, to make sure his quarry was still there. The whale twitched its tail about three inches to the left, quite happy with the state of things at that present moment, and not too worried about the two men who were behind Molly, the friendly snowdrift (when you spent most of your time in the Artic you tended to get lonely and start to name big piles of snow). One of them didn't look all that interested, and the other was insane. No threat to him at all.

Illumi was really bored. Hisoka had been sitting there for hours, just looking at the whale. He was sorely tempted to just up and leave and let the clown deal with his own demons. But not enough to turn down a good job. Besides, if he left now he'd never hear the end of it. There would be a million messages on his phone every morning, he'd have to get a restraining order drawn up, he'd have to hire some one to enforce said restraining order, hire some one else when Hisoka killed the first one to enforce said restraining order. All in all it would be a pain in the ass.  
Hisoka looked out again and then quickly drew back. Illumi did something that he hadn't done since he was ten: he lost his patience.

"Come on, Hisoka! Just attack the stupid whale and get it over with."

"Shhh! You'll blow our cover," came the whispered reply."

"What cover? You've been popping up and down like a demented jack-in-the-box for the past hour. I'm pretty sure that the whale knows you're here."

"No he doesn't!"

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!" shouted Navi, clearly excited at repeating itself for the nine-hundredth time.

"GOD DAMN! Now our cover is really blown!" Hisoka sat down huffily and pouted.

Illumi rolled his eyes. "Look, all you need to do is run in, stab something vital, and run out. It's not brain surgery, Hisoka, I could do it by the time I was six."

"We're not _all_ assassins, Illumi."

"You're close enough. The only difference is you won't even wait to get hired. You'll just find a target and _go_."

Hisoka shrugged. "Whatever. This just doesn't feel right."

Illumi would have fallen over if he hadn't already been sitting down. Instead, he settled for staring in disbelief.

"You _love_ to kill stuff! What makes now any different?"

Hisoka glared. "It's not that! I just feel unprepared. Like there's something missing . . ." He looked up at Navi. "Hey, blue thing!"

"Hey! You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

"Yes, I realize that. But do you have anything that might help me? Like a walkthrough or something?"

The fairy paused for a moment, and then began to spin around in circles very quickly. It kept going faster, and faster, until it was just a blue vaguely circular blob.

Illumi blinked. "I think you broke it."

Just as both men were thinking of getting out of there, the fairy stopped and dropped a book on Hisoka's lap. Hisoka looked up at her questioningly.

"Hey! You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

Glaring at the fairy suspiciously, he opened the book and began to read. Soon it was apparent that he was getting _into_ it. His face was mostly hidden by the book, his nose very close to touching the pages. He was "Ooing" and "Ahing" at everything. Illumi shrugged, convinced that if the fairy had created it, it was stupid. The fact that Hisoka liked it, led him to believe that only insane people could read it. All in all, despite the Hisoka's enthusiasm, Illumi was thoroughly disinterested.

About half an hour later, Hisoka leapt up with a shout, knocking Illumi in the head with the book. Illumi now _really hated_ that book.  
"I know what to do!" shouted Hisoka; oblivious to the glares his hired help was giving. "Illumi, watch the whale. Make sure it doesn't do anything tricksy like a hobbitsy." With that final quotation from Lord of the Rings, Hisoka ran off.

Illumi looked up at the whale. The whale stared back at him. The whale winked. Illumi jumped slightly and rubbed his eyes. The whale sat there, completely disinterested in anything Illumi was doing. He sighed and looked away. He was spending too much time with Hisoka. This had happened before, during the Hunter exam. First came hallucinations, followed by uncontrollable laughter, and finally the strong urge to paint shapes all over your face. There was only one cure. Illumi got comfortable and began to count down all the deadly pressure points in the human body. The logic to it all comforted him.

**LATER**

"Illumi! I'm ready to slay that whale!" Illumi opened his eyes and gasped. He then went into shock. None of his extensive training had ever scared him as much as this. A small part of his brain complained that he was going to have nightmares for the rest of the month.

In front of him stood Hisoka in a Link costume. He had the green shirt, shorts, and cap, the brown boots, and to top it all off a bright blond pointy wig. The ensemble was scary in its own right, but the main problem was that it wasn't made for an adult . . . at all. Illumi cringed.

"So, what do you think?"

Illumi couldn't answer right away; the shock was just too much. When he could, he said the first thing that came to mind.

"Hisoka," he began, "PUT ON SOME PANTS!"

"I am wearing pants!"

"I meant pants that actually _fit_ you!"

"No! This is the garb of a real hero. I must wear it to fight the dreaded Jabu-Jabu!"

"I thought the whales name was Camelot."

"Evil comes in many forms!" It was obvious that whatever small reserve of sanity Hisoka had built up over the years was gone. The man was _co splaying_, and badly at that. This proved it: Navi had the Nen ability to turn humans into fangirls. Illumi had suspected this all along, but now all doubt had been removed from his mind.

"Hisoka, I think that Jabu-Jabu can wait. Why don't we go get you some nice therapy?"

"NO! I must defeat the evil and save Princess Zelda!" Before Illumi could ask who the hell Zelda was, Hisoka had whipped out a plastic sword. "I'M COMING ZELDA!!" He began to run towards the whale, still managing to grab Illumi and drag him along. With a leap of faith, they traveled into the belly of the beast.

**INSIDE SAID BEAST**

The Zoldyck family had a special fund in which they put a few million dollars in each year. The point of this fund was if some one came along that they needed to kill for their own safety, they still would get paid to do it. The family member doing the killing would call the house and ask another family member (usually Milluki) to transfer some money into their personal account, so they had been "paid" to kill whomever they wanted to kill. Illumi was sorely tempted to call up Milluki and have him dip into said fund.

The inside of the whale was dark, wet, slimy, and cold. Illumi's wrist hurt from where Hisoka was dragging him, and he had just stepped in something extremely unpleasant. Though he was a Zoldyck (and therefore über) there was only so much abuse poor Illumi could take. Money was beginning to sound like a really dumb reason to go through with this.

"Almost there, almost there!" muttered Hisoka. Though there was no one that Illumi hated more than Hisoka right now, he kind of sympathized with him. Having that dumb fairy drive you_ this_ insane had to be traumatic.

"Hey listen, you needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

Hisoka whirled around. "I'm _in_ the goddamn whale!" he snapped. "What more do you want?"

"Fight Jabu-Jabu!"

Hisoka's eyes twitched. "Why isn't it working?" he asked Illumi through clenched teeth.

Illumi was now quite afraid. When Hisoka wasn't being driven insane by a chatterbox fairy, he was scary when angered. When being driven insane by a chatterbox fairy, he was scary when acting like a rabid fangirl. The two together were almost too frightening to even contemplate.

"Hisoka, I think the fairy's just dumb."

Hisoka turned to Illumi, a cheery smile on his face and bright gleam of hope in his eyes. "You really think so, Illumi-kun?"

Illumi paused, frowning. "Since when do you use Japanese honorifics? . . . And since when do you address me as 'Illumi-_kun_'?"

"I happen to be quite fluent in Japanese, thank you very much."

Illumi raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Why do I doubt that?"

"I am so!"

"Whatever, Hisoka."

"HEY LISTEN!" Hisoka and Illumi both jumped as the fairy next to them shouted for attention. "You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!" it chirped right next to Illumi's ear. Illumi winced. He could have sworn that thing had given him a look of absolute malevolence. He was about to comment, when the walls began to shake.

Now, in a normal situation, this would be labeled as an earthquake. But if you haven't forgotten (as I did) that they are in a whale, this cannot be the case. The walls were shaking for a more innocent reason: the whale had decided that he wanted to go underwater for a bit. No reason, just felt like it.

Illumi was the first to realize this, and bolted towards the whale's open mouth. Hisoka followed not because he knew what was going on (he was more concerned with the fact that his wig was falling off) but that if Illumi Zoldyck runs, then it is a very good idea to run as well.

Somehow (we will attribute the actual how to a plot-hole) they managed to get to the whale's mouth, jump out, and safely land in the snow. However, they were wet with whale-spit, so it was even colder than normal.

Illumi shivered. He whipped out his cell phone and rapidly punched in a number. The phone picked up on the first ring.

"Hello, Xu. Has the silver dueling pistol arrived yet?"

Stay Tuned for Part 5: A Birthday Present


	6. Extra Story 2

A/N: Ok, I just want to point out that I have nothing against the whole "emo" group, nor the Zoldyck family. It's just _really_ easy to poke fun at them both. .;

**Extra Story #2**

**Your Son is Emo!**

Illumi walked into the Zoldyck mansion. He was wearing all black and a black wristband with spikes on it, had black eyeliner on, and his hair was swept over one eye. He had a dysfunctional glare on his face; it was the kind of glare that said, "The world sucks, and it bugs me." And yet at the same time, he seemed vaguely dazed.

Kikyou walked down the stairs to greet her son, and froze. She took a few moments to take his entire ensemble in. She blinked a few times in shock. Then she bolted to the stairs.

"SILVA! YOUR SON IS EMO!" she shouted up the many flights, her voice carrying up to the top floors and therefore Silva's room.

"What?"

"YOU SON IS EMO!"

"Killua?"

"No! The other one!"

"_Milluki?_"

"No! The other other one!"

"Kalluto?"

"No! The other other other one!"

There was a pause. "Alluka's been dead for years!"

"No, not that one!"

"_Illumi?_"

Five seconds after that realization, Silva was down the stairs, in Illumi's face, grasping his shoulders.

"Illumi, you don't need to be emo to express your individuality!"

Illumi, now much more than vaguely dazed, shook his head, trying to wrap his mind around the assumptions that were being made. "Wha? Dad, I'm n-"

"Listen, Illumi. This is not a road you want to go down! I've gone down this road before, and it's _not a pretty road_. It leads to bad '80's hair bands. Illumi, there are other ways to get atten-" Before he could get the "tion" out of his mouth, Illumi had held up his hand, obviously wishing for silence.

He sighed. "Look, dad. I am not emo."

Silva shook his head. "Son, you don't need to deny anything. I understa-"

"Dad! I am not emo!"

Kikyou stepped forward. "Then how do you explain your clothing, and your hair, and your make up?"

Illumi rolled his eyes. "Look, I just got back from a job, and I needed to be stealthy. So, I wore all black. The eyeliner is left over from a part of the job that I needed to be in disguise for. The armband is this new weapon-thing that _you_ gave me to try out. And as for the hair, I'm just having a bad hair day, okay! It happens to everyone!" The bad hair day seemed to be a sensitive topic for Illumi, because he finished his speech rather snappishly. He took a deep breath, and counted to ten. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I want a shower, some conditioner, and a nice long nap." With that, he stalked off.

Kikyou sighed. "Well, I suppose that crisis is over."

Just then, Milluki walked in wearing a black Evanescence T-shirt, black pants with chains, and multiple black spiky armbands, none of which seemed to fit him well. He was wearing black eyeliner and nail polish, and his hair was spiked up in a pseudo-Mohawk.

Silva gasped in shock. Kikyou screamed and fainted dead away.


	7. Chapter 6

**Embrace Your Fate**

**Part 5: A Birthday Present**

Hisoka sat back on his haunches and admired his work. In the snow there was a meticulous drawing of his latest plan to kill the dreaded Jabu-Jabu. It was quite a good plan now that he thought of it. Sure they'd have to go on a bit of a scavenger hunt to find some of the things that the plan required, but all in all it was a concrete piece of work. And it looked pretty, that was the important part. Perhaps when all this was over he'd send it to an art museum.

"Illumi!" he called. "I'm ready to show you my plan."

Illumi groaned and roused himself from the quite comfortable patch of snow he'd been laying on. He was about to throw away the snowball he'd been playing with, but paused. He looked at Navi, then at the snowball. With a shrug he chucked the white missile at the fairy, praying that Navi didn't like the cold. The snowball passed through the fairy and hit an unsuspecting artic fox, which yelped and scurried off. Illumi sighed. Well, it had been worth a try.

He walked over and looked down. "Hisoka, that's a bunch of scribbles with some pebbles thrown in for texture."

Hisoka frowned. "It is not just a bunch of scribbles. This is a highly complex work of genius."

Illumi studied it closely. "It's scribbles and some rocks."

Hisoka sighed. "Just sit down; I'll explain."

Against his better judgment, Illumi sat next to Hisoka and tried to pay attention to what he was saying.

"Ok, this orange rock is me, and that black rock over there is you. The whale is that fat twig, 'cause whales are fat. And that kind of blue rock way over there is Orlando Bloom."

"Wait, what?" Illumi interrupted. "Why the hell do we need Orlando Bloom?"

"He's a vital part of my plan."

Illumi's eyebrow rose. "Uh-huh. And how do you propose that we get him all the way up here?

Hisoka waved his hand dismissively. "Oh, we'll think of something. Now then, the first step is to put Orlando Bloom here in front of the whale. The whale is a Lord of the Rings fan, so of course he'll want an autograph. Then-"

"Wait a second. How do you know that he's a Lord of the Rings fan?"

Hisoka tapped the side of his nose knowingly. "I've got an eye for these things."

Illumi's eyebrow disappeared into his hairline. "Right."

"Now, while the whale is trying to get an autograph, we take a net made out of banana peels and duck tape, and throw it over the whale. Then you run around and weight down the sides of the net with bricks. In the meantime, I'll run in and skewer the whale with the Master Sword, save Princess Zelda, and become a hero!"

Hisoka beamed. "So, what do you think?"

Illumi stared at him in shock. "That has to be the _dumbest_ plan I've ever heard. Including Milluki's 'I shall kill Ron and make Hermione as my own' plan."

Hisoka pouted. "What's so bad about it?"

"For one thing, there is no way in hell that we're going to be able to get Orlando Bloom here. For another, there's no way in hell or anywhere else that we're going to be able to make a net out of bananas and duck tape that will hold a whale. And I'm not even going to go into how many bananas we'd need to create a net that big."

"Hmph. I don't see you coming up with any ideas."

"At least the ones I have are vaguely plausible."

Hisoka stuck his tongue out at Illumi. "You're just jealous because my plan's so awesome."

"Jealous? There is no possible way that I c-"

"Hey listen! You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

""Illumi, make it go awayyyyy!" Hisoka wailed.

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

Illumi grasped his head as a headache attacked his brain. It was all too much. Between Hisoka's wails and Navi's shouts, he couldn't even hear his own thoughts. No money in the world was worth this. He just wanted this job to end!

Suddenly, Illumi froze. He straightened up from his hunched over position, a smirk on his face. Hisoka forgot about wailing and watched with curiosity as Illumi walked over to a bag with their supplies. He rummaged around for a bit, then produced a jar.

"Come on, Hisoka. We're going to the post office." Illumi walked off. Hisoka followed.

They came to the small brick building that the artic town called the post office. Illumi came to the double doors, and then paused. Quick as lightning, he ripped off the lid of the jar and trapped Navi inside. He screwed the lid on tightly, smiling happily. Hisoka wasn't sure if he should be cheering for his hero, or running away from an insane assassin.

Whistling, Illumi walked into the building. He got a box from the pile by the door, and placed the jar inside a long with a lot of packing paper. He then produced a piece of paper and some ink. He sat down at one of the tables and scrawled something on it, which he then placed in the box. He sealed the entire thing up with some tape, and set it on the desk of the receptionist.

"Express mail to the Republic of Padokea. P.O. Box 1293." He slapped a hundred jenny bill down next to the box. "Keep the change."

He walked out of the post office, grinning. Hisoka followed him, a puzzled expression on his face.

"Illumi, why'd you send it to your home?"

Illumi just smiled. "Milluki's birthday's tomorrow."

**KUKURU MOUNTAIN**

Milluki was surfing the Internet when there was a knock on his door. He sighed and minimized the window he had open.

"Come in!"

Kanaria walked in with a box in her hands. "Excuse me, Master Milluki, but this just came for you in the mail. It's from Master Illumi." She placed the box on a small space of his desk that wasn't taken up by computers or junk food.

Milluki grunted his thanks and she left the room. He ripped off the tape that was sealing the box, and opened it. Inside there was a glowing blue jar, and a note. He read the note first.

"Milluki-

Happy Birthday.

-Illumi"

"Hm. Wonder what he sent me." Milluki lifted the jar and scrutinized it. He couldn't tell what was in it because of the blue glow. Curiously, he opened the lid. Something zipped out and hovered in front of his face.   
"Oh shit."

"You needa go fight Jabu-Jabu!"

THE END

A/N: Hey! Thanks to all y'all who read and reviewed. It means a lot to me. . Also, if you care, I've gone back and corrected the errors in the earliter chapters. There were more than I thought. . I'm feeling really embarrassed right now. Heh, but seriously, I'm grateful for all your support. I'd also like to thank my beta/inspiration Pi. And Illumi and Hisoka of course. Give 'em a round of applause! 

Disclaimer: I do not own HunterxHunter or Zelda, or Lord of the Rings. However, I do own this fanfic, kay? .


	8. Extra Story 3

**Extra Story #3**

**Nen Pants**

Hisoka threw a shirt onto his bed with a noise of disgust. That thing was _months_ old. How on earth could he wear it now? He rummaged through his closet, muttering to himself.

"Wore it last week, wore it yesterday, too many blood stains, not enough color, too much green . . ." He pulled out a red cocktail dress. He stared at it a while in amazement.

"Only when I'm drunk."

He pulled out of the closet and threw up his hands. "Why don't I have any good clothing?" he shouted at the pile of clothes, as if they were being bad to mock him. He suspected they were.

He sat down on his bed, his head in his hands. What was he going to do? The only thing that wasn't too old to wear was the cocktail dress and he'd only had two Bloody Mary's so far. And he didn't have enough time to get that drunk, let alone go shopping for some new clothes. Illumi was waiting for him and charged by the hour.

He sighed. He began playing with his nen, shaping it into different images, mostly skulls and card suits. He was just going to have to cancel. It'd taken him two hours to get the tickets and four months to convince Illumi to come with him. What a waste of ti-

His thoughts froze. He looked down at his nen, a smile creeping onto his face. It was bold, it was daring . . . It was _perfect_. He leapt off the bed, and began to get dressed.

**A FEW MINUTES LATER**

Illumi was considering leaving. Sure Hisoka was paying him enough, but he didn't want to go with Hisoka to see some stupid display at the Heavens Arena. And Hisoka was being slow about getting dressed. Honestly, he was about as bad as his mother. Illumi paused for a moment, recalling the three hours his mother had spent getting ready before she allowed the midwife in when Kalluto was born. . . . All right, perhaps not as bad as his mother.

A door opened and closed. _Finally_, thought Illumi. He stood up and turned around. His brain stopped working.

"Well, what do you think?"

Illumi's eye twitched. "Hisoka, you're naked."

"I am not."

"There are no clothes adorning your body. You are naked."

Hisoka sighed. "Come on, show some vision. Just use gyo."

Illumi almost protested, but thought the better of it. _Anything to get him in some pants,_ he thought. He used gyo. It took all of his assassin training to keep from dying of shock.

Hisoka grinned. "I call them nen pants!"


End file.
